For those of you who have had the underwhelming pleasure of meeting these of-the-moment heart throbs, you know that about 96% of the time, they are less-than-worthy. The life span of an it-guy can be season-long or last the duration of a night at homebar (and of course, late night). But one thing's for sure girl's will pour a lot into these crushes--blood, sweat and tears.
BLOOD (measured in teaspoons)
There will be no anecdotal writing in this section. If you know, you know. If not, it's way worse than you can imagine.
SWEAT (measured in buckets)
Every bish has their it-boy routine. If they are long-termers, chances are you've gotten into some kind of weightloss regime, consisting of a poor attempt at south beach phase one and a daily visit to the treadmill and/or elipitical machines. Signs boasting the phrase "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" are again posted around the room, and some might even reinstate their "chew-and-spit" technique on all foods over 100 calories. Even the skinny bishes might cut down on their Burger House-runs and late night Whata.
TEARS (measured in # of new jeans/purses/earrings/hairstyles girl buys)
It's all fun and games until you are driving around with the bishes (those who can stomach it); Avril's "Slipped Away" screaming from your speakers and your hot tears melting your white chocolate mouse as they pour into your half-empty cup o' TCBY (pronounced Tick-bee). This can last an afternoon, or an entire month (depending on the tolerance of fellow bishes and the intensity of the it-guy's true suckage).
Truly sane girls should want to minimize the excretion (that word is terribly inappropriate) of blood/sweat/tears wasted on guys with little potential. In effort to figure out the male species, many gals (and especially those that find themselves thousands of miles away from their bishes) will turn to the self-help section at their local b&n. So with a steamy grande sugar-free vanilla soy latte in hand, I hit the shelves looking for answers. Is this new it-guy worth it?
STOP #1: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
If I could figure out whether or not he likes me that could help determine whether he is worth the blood/sweat/tears part. If he's into me--work thrice as hard on sweat part. If not--go straight to track 12 on Avril, do not pass go.
After a solid month of light flirting and casual interaction I get as far as Chapter One before I decide this book is entirely stupid and not worth my time, or my 10% discount---besides, I have a worn copy at home somewhere, I had flipped through during the last few seriously-serious crushes.
"Chapter One: he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out
Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out
Many women have said to me, "Greg, men run the world." Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we're "too shy" or we "just got out of something." Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you. If you don't think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half."
STOP #2: BE HONEST--YOU'RE NOT THAT IN TO HIM EITHER
Ready to eat some man---because seriously what do they know about my crush, maybe he is just effing shy---I turn to another guy who asks the right question:
"Are You Really into Him?"
Well, I am kind of skeptical of this text because I'm pretty sure I am 96% into this guy, but I decided to read a little:
"Men are jerks. We don't call when we say we will. We lie. We cheat on our wives and our girlfriends. We leave the toilet seat up, and we engage in a host of clichéd behaviors that modern dating guides lay out in obvious terms so you can move on with your lives. Yes, some men are jerks. But you know that because you've dated us. And you're smart enough to know that when a guy doesn't call you, it means he's not that into you."
Er, can't a guy just be shy?!?!...
"But despite your intelligence, you've begun to operate on his terms. And who can blame you? Go on enough bad dates and your hopes of finding love are sure to diminish. You start to make adjustments, taking a realistic and pragmatic approach. You begin to settle. You know that frogs don't turn into princes, so you lower your standards enough until it gets difficult to tell the two apart. Whether out of good old-fashioned horniness, social pressure [combined with the perception that there are no good men left], or simply the dismal dating disappointments you continually face, you've lowered your standards — perhaps without even realizing it. But in doing so, you've forgotten that while he may be showing you that he's not that into you, the truth is you were never really that into him in the first place. Be honest. You were with him while you were waiting for something better to come along. He wasn't that great to begin with but he was better than nothing. Or was he?"
Unfortunately, I kind of place this guy on the "this is what I've been waiting for" shelf.
STOP #3-418
After glancing through several other books teaching me the proper way to stroke his arm or how to have sex like a man, I realized I didn't really give a damn. I like this guy. I like the pace things are going. The next time someone tells me I have to call him and ask him out I would really like to spit on them. I would like to be free from analyzing whether he romantically rubbed my back or if it was more like friendly touching. I want to care less that the Queen Bee of St. Auggie (please, not a title I'd be proud of) hates my guts and wants to jump him. I don't even want to care that I text messaged him this weekend and he didn't respond. But I can't.
I'm into him. Like really into him. And if he's not into me I'm afraid the tears phase might be lengthy---like pull-a-Britney-Shears-lengthy.
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